south park demonic talk show
by demonlord5000
Summary: stan hosts his own talk show where you can ask your favorite characters questions about their lives. alright, i'll take questions sent through PM.
1. rules

Stan sat on a cozy looking chair on what looked like a talk show set. There was even an audience to go with it. They didn't even mind the fact that everything had a demonic feel to it.

Stan: Hello idiots I'm…

He was interrupted by the phone next to him ringing. He answered quickly.

Stan: Hello? Uh… Ok.

He hung up.

Stan: apparently I'm not allowed to call the readers idiots, and I'm supposed to say I'm sorry. Anyway, I'm stan, and welcome to the south park demonic talk show. Where you can ask your favorite characters any question you want. As the host I'm supposed to read the rules to you:

All questions must be sent through PM. Any questions sent in the form of a review will be ignored.

You can't ask any stupid questions. For example, you can't ask kyle what his religion is. Stupid questions like that will also be ignored.

If anyone from a forum called eliminator post a review telling the author to take this story down, they will be added to his blocked user list.

Stan: alright guys, remember to send your questions through private messaging ONLY. Now let's see who the first victim- I mean guest is… and it's Kyle! So that means that you have to send him questions first.


	2. kyle

The talk show set was different this time, because now stan had a desk.

"Welcome back to the south park demonic talk show! I'm your host stan and let me introduce our first guest, KYLE BROFLOVSKI!" an instrumental version played as kyle walked on stage and sat himself on a comfy couch across from stan.

"Hey kyle, how are ya?"

"I'm good, how's the talk show?"

"Well I'm the host so that means it's still cool." the audience laughed. "Hey kyle, some people want to know, what happened between you and Rebecca cotswalds?"

"Eh, we just sort of, drifted apart…"

"Her dad threatened you didn't he?"

"Yep, with a shotgun."

"So he knows my uncle jimbo, huh?"

"Apparently."

"And how are your feelings about bebe?"

"Well, she's an annoying blonde bitch…"

"I HEARD THAT YOU BASTERD!" bebe screamed. Kyle looked up and saw she was working the lights.

"Aw crap!"

"Alright kyle, before bebe bashes your head in, let's look at the questions for you… and it's just one from Jpmm0507:

_My question to kyle would be:_

_Stan has been in a pretty long relationship with wendy and his friend kenny has been in his share of relationships, does he ever get jealous of them and also does he have a crush on one of the other South Park characters?_

"Well kyle?"

"Eh, pass."

"You can't pass kyle, answer the question."

"ALRIGHT FINE! I am jealous that my friends have been in relationships, and I never liked wendy in the first place! And I do have a crush on somebody! IT'S STAN! Yeah that's right, I'M GAY!" kyle ran up to a shocked stan, and planted a kiss full on his lips, shocking stan even more.

"Uh, kyle, please get out." kyle walked out of the studio dejected. Stan pulled a card from his desk.

"Alright readers, the next guest is… REBECCA COTSWALDS! Please…" his phone rang again, and he picked up.

"Hello… that's to bad mark… it's the rules, Rebecca has to come on the show… would you like to take it up with the author… thought so." stan hung up and faced the audience.

"Any way, send in your questions for Rebecca cotswalds, while I go bang my head until the memories of Kyle's answer are gone…


	3. Rebecca cotswolds

"Uhhh… OK." stan said, sitting in his cozy chair. "Uhhh… the only reason we're doing this chapter is cause the author is bringing someone on stage to ask a question."

"Wait…" Kyle began as he walked on stage. "The person he's bringing on stage is a real person, but… that person doesn't have an account on this site… nor has she ever been on here. Can the author do that?"

"I really don't think he cares kyle." kyle nodded and walked off stage.

"Everyone please welcome Rebecca cotswalds!" the crowed cheered as Rebecca walked on stage(In her normal, non slutty clothes.) and took her seat across from stan.

"Hey Rebecca."

"Oh, h-hello." Rebecca stuttered.

"Now Rebecca, I'd like to ask you a few questions if that's OK." Rebecca nodded. "OK, have you ever really had ant feelings for kyle?"

"N-no. I j-just spent time with him c-cause I didn't have the m-money to file a r-restraining order."

"HEY!" kyle shouted backstage.

"Wait, do you need money for a restraining order?" stan asked.

"I-I don't know."

"Alright, do you have any tattoos, it's OK if you do, security won't let anyone in here without permission, which your parents don't have." Rebecca pondered for a moment, then moved her collar to reveal a small tattoo of a demon nailed to a cross, causing the audience to cheer.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile, mark was watching the show at home, completely horrified by his sister's actions.

"MOOOMMM!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Alright, that was unexpected… are you a virgin Rebecca?"

"N-no."

"Why not?"

"W-well, I woke up the other night to find mark having sex with me." stan, as well as the audience, remained silent, until stan spoke up.

"Wh-what?"

"He told me that what he was doing was perfectly legal, so I j-just ignored it." stan looked from Rebecca, to the audience, and back again.

"Excuse me." he said, getting up and walking backstage to make a call. He came back a few minutes later and sat down.

"Wh-who'd you call."

"The cops, anyway, Rebecca, your brother has appeared a few times as a background character, but you only appeared once, do you think you'll make another appearance on south park?"

"I-I h-hope so!"

"Alright, that's all the questions I have, now let's bring up our-" without warning, a lighting bolt struck the stage, a young girl appearing in the spot it struck. "G-Guest." stan finished his heart going a mile a minute.

"Hello." the young girl called cheerfully.

"Uhh… how did you get the author to let you on here?" stan asked curiously.

"Ohh… he's my brother."

"OK, what's your question?"

"Rebecca, will you be my friend?"

"O-of course I-I'll be your f-friend."

"YAY! And with that, the girl disappeared in a flash.

"Uhh… our next guest is karen McCormick, please PM your questions to the author while I try to find out what the hell just happened."


	4. karen

"Guys, shut up!" Stan called to the crowd, which didn't seem to pay attention. Stan rolled his eyes, and held a microphone up to a speaker, creating an earsplitting shriek that caught the audience's attention. "Thank you. Please welcome Karen McCormick." The audience cheered as Karen walked on stage and took her seat.

"How are you today Karen?"

"I'm hungry." She whispered shyly.

"OF COURSE SHE IS! SHE'S POOR!" cartman laughed from backstage.

"Security!" Stan called, and the sound of cartman screaming as the guards beat him and dragged him out of the studio could be heard.

"So, Karen, I'm going to ask you some questions."

"OK."

"First, are you a virgin?"

"DUDE!" Kenny screamed from backstage.

"Hey, I didn't write these Kenny! And I HAVE to read them! Are you a virgin Karen?"

"Yes…"

"OK, have you ever been abducted by aliens?"

"No."

"What about people?"

"No."

"Do you hope to appear in another episode?"

"Yes."

"Do you masturbate at night?"

"…yes."

"WHAT!?" Kenny screamed.

"Shut up Kenny!" Stan shouted as guards restrained the poor boy. "Alright Karen, let's go to questions from our readers."

"OK."

"Here's a question from Epicpenguin13:

_How would you react if your brother, Kenny, died?_

"Umm… I would be a little sad, but not that sad because Kenny always comes back to life after a day."

"What the hell do you mean he comes back to life? When someone dies, they're dead."

"Go with it."

"OK."

"Sometimes I'm relived when Kenny dies."

"Why?"

"Because I need to get off a lot."

"DAMMIT Karen!" Kenny screamed as the guards threw him in a cell.

"Alright, here's some question from Evangeline Dixon:

_Is Kenny a nice guy all the time?_

"I don't think he will be when he gets out of that cell." Karen said through a toothy grin, earning a laugh from the audience. "He usually is nice though."

"Alright, here's the second question:

_Has Stuart ever hit you?_

"Yes, all the time, mostly because he's drunk."

"That makes sense. One more thing kid, have you ever been drunk?"

"I was drunk when I was in mommy's belly."

"Damn, they drink a lot."

"Yeah…"

"Alright, people, next guest is… wait, we have three this time! Alright, next chapter, we're going to be asking Wendy, red, and Bebe questions! Please PM your questions to Wendy, red and Bebe!" 


	5. wendy, red, and bebe

Stan was back in his talk show set. Wendy, red, and Bebe sat together on the couch.

"Hey girls."

"Hello." The three said in unison.

"Thank god I don't have to work the lights this chapter." Bebe said stretching.

"Alright girls, I'll ask Wendy her questions first."

"Sounds good."

"OK, first, have you ever had any broken bones?"

"Yes, back in kindergarten when you pushed me off of the jungle gym."

"What's the most disgusting thing you've ever done?"

"Kiss Eric cartman."

"Agreed, Bebe, are you high?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"Just answer the question."

"NO!"

"OK, red, do you hope to become a main character?"

"You know that won't happen."

"Yep, alright, let's get to the writer questions. Wendy, here's a question from Epicpenguin13:

_Have you ever thought of yourself to be jealous?_

"Yeah, when Stan's ogling girl's butt cracks!"

"Oh Christ, do you really have to bring that up again? Evangeline Dixon asks:

_How far have you and Stan gone?_

"We're just boyfriend and girlfriend."

"We had sex once."

"When you DRUGGED me!"

"Alright Bebe, question from Epicpenguin13"

_Do you still like Kyle?_

I did until that remark he made in chapter 2!"

"Alright, question from Evangeline Dixon:

_How many people have you slept with?_

"Ten, counting Stan last month."

"Skinny blonde say what!?" Wendy called.

"Moving on! Red, Epicpenguin13 asks:

_How is your friendship with Wendy, after that incident with the list conspiracy?_

"Hanging on a thread, just wait till she finds out Bebe's sexual experience with Stan last month was a threesome and I was a part of it."

"Red whore say what!?" Wendy cried.

"Shut up Wendy. Red, question from Evangeline Dixon:

_Would you be happy if you ended up with Kenny?_

"HELL NO! I might get herpes!"

"Alright, guess that's it. Our next guest is Kenny, so send him a question through PM, while I argue with Wendy about that threesome last month."


	6. kenny

Stan sat in his cozy chair, laughing at something, which was revealed to be Kenny still locked in his cage.

"Can I come out?"

"No, you told your sister when you got out you were going to strangle her."

"I was just kidding."

"You signed a document and had it approved by the government." Stan said as he pulled out said document.

"Dammit."

"Alright, let's start with the questions, who was the first person you ever had sex with?"

"Well, when I was seven, I came home drunk, next morning; I woke up naked in bed with Karen…"

"I'll just ignore that answer, who was the first person you ever tried to kill?"

"Me!" Karen called from backstage.

"Uhh…" Kenny said nervously, every eye was on him.

"He tried to kill me with a chainsaw when I was in mommy's belly!"

"How the hell do you even remember that!?"

"Alright Kenny, let's-." Kenny pulled out a knife and stabbed himself in the temple. Stan looked onto his desk to see a button labeled: in event of Kenny's death, please press. Stan cautiously pressed the button, and several demons walked in and threw Kenny's spirit into a magical cage.

"Dammit!" Kenny yelled, earning some laughs.

"Alright Kenny, when I had Karen on here, she said she was a virgin, yet you say you had sex with her when you were drunk, care to explain?"

"Anal."

"Alright, let's get to the reader questions. Here are some from epicpenguin13:

_What do you want to be when you're older?_

"Red's husband…" he said hopefully.

"HELL NO!" red screamed from backstage.

"Damn… fine, I wanna be a cop." There was an outburst of laughter, especially from Stan.

"YOU! A COP? WITH YOUR RECORD!?" Stan finally calmed down after a few minutes.

"Alright, second question:

_Is there an actual reason that you never take your hood off?_

"Yes… but I won't tell you what it is."

"You have to tell Kenny."

"Make me." Stan sighed, and pressed a button labeled: press if guests refuse to answer. Kenny vanished from his prison, and appeared a few minutes later, wide eyes, and rocking back and forth in a state of fear.

"No more… please… no more…"

"Dude, what happened to you?"

"No… more… family guy…"

"Are you going to answer the question, or do I have to press the button again?"

"I n-never take my h-hood off because if I commit a crime, people won't see my face or hear my voice…"

"Alright… next guest is mark cotswolds… please PM your questions while I press this button some more."

"NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kenny screamed as Stan pressed the button again, causing Kenny to disappear once more.


	7. Mark Cotswolds

Stan was, as usual, sitting in his chair, this time facing mark.

"How are you mark?"

"I'm good, I'm good. You?"

"If you had been watching this talk show you would know, dick face."

"That hurt a little."

"That's what she said." stan replied, earning a laugh from the audience.

"What!? Don't do that!"

"That's what she said!"

"Please stop!"

"That's what she said!"

"I'm not enjoying this."

"That's what she said!"

"When is this going to end!?"

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" by this time the audience was laughing uncontrollably, mark looked pissed.

"Alright mark, I'm going to ask a few questions."

"I hate this."

"That's what she said, anyway, have you ever had a crush on someone?"

"My sister."

"…You realize the cops are right backstage?"

"I'm aware."

"Alright, have you ever murdered someone, if so, why?"

"I've TRIED to murder someone."

"Who?"

"Kyle."

"Why?"

"He turned my sister into a whore."

"Oh yeah. Alright, let's go to the reader questions. Here's one from Epicpenguin13:

_What do you care about most?_

"Well, the answer to that question would be my sister."

"She told me you raped her."

"I was lying!" Rebecca called from backstage.

"Oh… here's a question from RandomSouthParkerFTW:

_In 'Hooked on monkey phonics', how did it feel to be in that hamster ball and then, tied to the bench and when he beat up Kyle, did that give him a feeling of relief? _

"Well, when I was in the hamster ball, I felt isolated from my fellow peers, when I was tied to the bench, I felt curious and a little embarrassed, and beating up kyle did bring me relief, and made me a little horny after seeing my sister."

"OOOOOKKKKKKKK… alright, guess that's it for the moment, next guest is… MY OC SISTER ANNABELLE MARSH! Write your questions to Annabelle people."


End file.
